THE SECRET TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP

I’m sure you’re reading this right now and asking- Ok Salina, is there really a secret sauce to having a great relationship, or are you just blowing smoke up my butt?

My answer- No smoke. There actually is. 

Studies have shown that the secret to a great relationship is how we respond to each other. And particularly how we respond to *good* news. In fact, how we respond to another’s good news is actually a very strong predictor of the happiness and longevity of the relationship. 

Don’t believe me? Go with me here for a second- imagine you got a promotion at work and you are super excited about it. You tell your partner and they say/do one of these things:

1. Wow. Cool. Can you make me a sandwich?

2. (Checking their phone) Ugh. I have such a busy schedule this week.

3. Really? You know you’re going to hate that job. It’s a lot more responsibility.

None of those feel great, do they? Even the first one where they’re at least positively acknowledging your achievement doesn’t feel great. This is an example of Passive Constructive Responding. The response is positive in general but doesn’t match your level of excitement and shows little to no support. The second response is an example of Passive Destructive Responding.  The response is generally negative and communicates a total lack of interest in you or your good news. And the third response is Active Destructive Responding.  This response is overwhelmingly negative.  It’s demoralizing and invalidating.  It shows a total disregard or care for the other person. 

So, what’s the secret to a great relationship? Active Constructive Responding.

Active Constructive Responding is a way of responding when someone shares something good with us that validates the other person’s excitement, shows interest, and savors the good event. Here’s what ACR sounds like:

•Wow! That’s amazing! Let’s celebrate while you tell me more!

•I’m so happy for you! Tell me how you felt when you found out!

•This must be so exciting for you! I’m dying to know what that’s going to look like!

The point is this: When someone shares good news, show enthusiastic support, a genuine interest, and elaborate on what’s happening REGARDLESS OF WHAT MOOD YOU MIGHT BE IN. Throw in some eye contact and a smile and both of you will feel a significant boost in well-being. 

It takes some practice for sure, but it’s so worth the effort. 

Is this something you do in your relationships? How will you try it out today?